One day something clicked! Self Love and Self Acceptance and what came from that...

Over the past, almost 2 years now, I've been doing some deep cleaning in my Self. It was 2013 when I chose to really dig deep and make some changes. Many great insights and, although challenging, I took steps in a new direction for my life. As things shifted in me, my ability to squash my desires or callings became less and less. Why did I even learn to squash them in the first place??? Well, we all have our reasons for doing what we do but it was time to ditch the old ways and just give myself and my life the best I could. The most recent step I've taken is in my choice to be a Holistic Lifestyle Coach. It is my passion to learn about, experience and share with others how to be healthy and vibrant in a Holistic (whole life) way.

As I embarked on this journey, I quickly became aware of some distracting habits that were hindering me. I once heard my own coach say, "owning your own business is the fastest way for personal growth." Geez! you ain't kiddin'!

I found myself on a mission to make all these things better about myself. Now, understand this, personal growth and development is a must and I love it. Something else was happening here. I was signing up for all these different challenges and had unfinished books everywhere (not that there's anything wrong with reading more than one at a time) and it got to the point where I was full of stuff to do and not doing any of it, and none of it was REALLY towards working on my new endeavor.  What had happened? I had stepped WAY out of my comfort zone and I was getting scared. Out of that I was looking for things to do to better myself and one day, after signing up for yet another thing....I was starting to crack. WHAT am I doing???  Truly...WHAT am I up to? It came over me one day.......I just felt this great opening and I said, " I just want to love and accept myself EXACTLY as I AM right here, right now even if I never ever change again." It was a realization I had never had in this way before. It felt so nice to relieve myself of so much pressure. Accept me, all of me, exactly the way I am right now. Wow.

There are caveats to this of course. To become healthy and whole (an ongoing journey), to become healthy and whole enough to get to this point...I had to do the personal growth and development to get here.

I took my dog out for a walk later that day. There's nothing like the love of a dog. Pure, perfect and joyful. As we were walking about and I was feeling this major relief it occurred to me that in order to totally love and accept me, there was one HUGE thing I needed to let myself admit to.

I .... WANT... TO ... MOVE.

I moved here to Arkansas in 2002 and have had a lot of great experiences here but I knew from the very beginning that it just didn't feel quite right for me here. Something has been amiss. The good part about moving somewhere that didn't feel like home,  is that it sent me on a journey to find home within myself. Not an easy task, but worth every bit of it. Anyone that knows me here, knows that I have wanted to move. But, not only was it part of me, it has been part of Keith and I as a couple. I met him when I first moved here. The interesting thing is, he and I both moved to Colorado the very same year! We did not know each other then obviously, but we were in the same state at the same time. We met each other right after we both had an experience of living somewhere different and had been greatly affected in a positive way! We shared this understanding of what it was like to go somewhere new and feel connected and inspired and influenced by the environment. From the very beginning, we always said, "let's go back!" "What if we just went back?"

Through the years here I was told many things...."Well, you just have to bloom where you're planted.....Wherever you go, there you are.....Why can't you just be here?"...And the messages about being grateful for what you have, of course, which I am.

I worked really hard to bloom here, to make sure I was really really grateful and to make sure that I just simply wasn't missing anything or just not doing something right, or good enough or whatever. I was afraid it was me and I was messing up somehow. I did  a lot of introspection and work to make this feeling go away.

Well, on this day, it arose again. Only this time, out of a great desire to fully accept me, I accepted this too. I have a desire to move somewhere else. Yes, I'm grateful, yes, I'm thankful, Yes, Keith and I have each other and that is amazing and YES...I also, have a desire to move. There! I said it! That is part of me and that is a truth inside me that no longer needs to be rationalized away. I am choosing to allow myself to say that with no harsh, critical judgment on me.

I am finally willing to take a chance on myself. After many years of ground work, I am ready to step out there and take steps towards a dream we've both had. I am willing to face the fear, I am willing to go find out what it's all about. And not just that, I am willing to create it. : ) Finally.